I’m fucking awesome!

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You know what? I had the most awesome weekend! Now let me tell you how I managed that!

It all started on thursday, when all my plans for the weekend fell through. And if you know me just a little, you know I like my plans. I like planning and I’m very much a bit of a control freak, and when they can’t be realized – it is fundamentally uncomfortable for me. I was disappointed, had looked forward to the weekend, I was a bit sad, felt a bit like a failure…

My gremlins started to wake up in the dark corner of my brain where they have taken up residency. They went “What? What? Finally something we can use! An actual real situation that’s gone bad! Now we can go to proper work and don’t have to make up situations for her to stress about, she just don’t fall for that anymore! Yeey!”

Alas, they started their usual tracks. “You are failure, you are not worthy, you are a loser, no one wants to spend time with you, can’t you see?” And so forth. For like an hour maybe I was “I know! You are right, all the signs are there!”

But then something happened. Looking back at it a day later I just frowned my forehead and went… Did I just do that? Seriously? Fascinating!

I was literally laying in the fetal position on my sofa… but all of a sudden a different kind of tune started playing in my head. Drowning out my gremlins. It went: “I’m actually pretty great regardless. This is nothing to be particularly stressed about and you know that. This doesn’t define you. You did everything you could, what more can you ask of yourself? It was out of your control. You can actually focus on making the best of the situation and go and really enjoy your weekend, anyway. Because you have a great life that isn’t defined by external factors. Your life is great because of you and you alone. You have made your new life solely based on what you want and need. That’s awesome and regardless what else might happen in life – that’s still true.”

So I  just sat up, and went on and planned a new weekend full of stuff I love. Just going: “My life might not be perfect, go the way I want it to go all the time, it’s a struggle, it’s exhausting – but it’s still great! It’s so great in its imperfections, with its lessons and winding roads! And the awesomeness is not because of where I live, who I’m with, what I do for a living – it’s awesome because of the relationship I have with myself. Because I truly listen to my inner voice and not the gremlins anymore.” I went and bought a ring – a token (my coach would be so proud) – that I will see everyday to remind me of this insight when things get fucked up and my gremlins go to full war in my head again.

My coach went on our previous session:

“But, you are happy now, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So the gremlins don’t like that.”

“Why the hell not? They don’t make any sense to me! They are so not rational”

“Their purpose is not to make you happy. Their purpose is to keep you where you are, they are terrified of change.”

“Huh. Interesting…”

“That’s why they are fighting you so hard right now.”

That was a bit of a revelation too, because I realized that they just try to pick on any possible thing to bring me down and back. They are desperate. They say: “Don’t do this new thing for god sake! We will desperately try to come up with all these insane reasons if we have to!”

I’ll give you an example. One of the things I do is distribute flyers in people’s mailboxes. So a couple of times a week I go for a three-hour walk around some neighborhood. I love walking, and the sun is shining most of the time, and I listen to my favorite music at the time or bring “the crazy dog aka Bailey”. I really enjoy just strolling around in the sunshine for three hours calling it work.

All of the sudden my gremlins started to speak while I was happily walking along. And seriously going:

“You know… If you were a mailman, you’d be on a tight time-table to get the mail out. It would be stressing…”

“But what has that to do with me? I’m not a mailman! Nor have I ever been and it’s quite unlikely I will ever be.”

“Well just saying, imagine that you were… Imagine how stressed you would be. What if… you delivered the post in the wrong mailbox. What if that was some super important mail… and you would have just fucked that person’s life up!”

“What the… But, that has nothing to do with this! I DO NOT WORK AS A MAILMAN! I can deliver in any pace I want, I can choose what mailboxes I put my flyers in completely arbitrary! It’s totally up to me, since I am my own boss in this! SHUT UP!”

“Right, well… You tell yourself that… But your delivery will not have been perfect if you skip mailboxes…”

“This is just nuts. Go away!”

And they did. I’m just shaking my head at myself. Nuts! The gremlins really must be struggling to find things to use, when they resort to this. 🙂 Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in coaching for a year to be able to see all of these things. But man, is it great to finally be able to!

Hope you all had a good weekend too! Regardless of what you did, that it was just great because of you.

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