I have had my last session with my coach. It feels bittersweet. Signing up to work with her was the number one best decision of my life. It has totally transformed me and my life. I still kind of want her around to hold my hand, but I do realize that I should try things on my own. I realize that I’m capable, strong and smart. I know very well what to do. I know how to manage myself, my fears and my gremlins. I pass them around in my head as if I was playing solitaire. Dismissing them, letting them have a say, ignoring them, laughing at them… But most importantly I control them. I do. They don’t roam free anymore. People whose approval I used to seek, are not asked what they think anymore. I tell them what I will do, and they happily just cheer me on. I will be – no – I am awesome on my own.
This pic just demonstrates so beautifully how I feel most days. Light, warm and just… relaxed. (most days 😉 )
One, for the time being, change in my life is that I don’t write anymore. I’ve always written a lot. Like a lot a lot. All the time. And it has been one of my favorite past times during my upbringing and in my life. The only writing that I do now is what I write in this blog. Since I have enjoyed it I kind of missed it, and since I enjoyed it I have been thinking that I must start writing again. But, no, there is no desire there anymore, and I have been fighting it. Until my last session with my coach.
“But… what if I have been using it to numb?” I said all of a sudden.
“Yeah, maybe.” she said.
“My entire life…”
We thought about it for a while. My coach finalized it : “You don’t need to create an alternative world to escape to anymore. You like your life now.”
“Yeah… I think that might be it actually…”
I’m not really sure what I have been numbing… just that I don’t need to anymore. Maybe writing will return to me, but then it will be for another reason, with another purpose and maybe then it will take off. Otherwise I say goodbye to that part of my life.
I am free.