So I’m not going to get into any details about it this very moment, since I’m all caught up in it and can’t see straight, but my gremlins are in overload. Outside triggers have woken them up and they are now anticipating imminent death, dismemberment or a psychiatric ward. I hate it when they do that. When they take control, I try to infuse some reason in it, but it at the most only gives me a shorter break, quickly taking a few deep breaths before plunging down in despair, confusion, anger, panic, vulnerability and insecurities again. I ask myself why a little bit of healthy concern/worry isn’t enough, but I’m not getting any responses. It’s full on crisis-mode. I try to breath when I can remember. I try to occupy my mind with other tasks. Works occasionally, but just momentarily.
I call her “my little girl”. She’s strong now. And she is no fun to be around. She is a needy, whiny, cranky bitch. I want her gone.
I hope that I will, sooner rather than later, be able to take a step back and see, and understand – and calm down. But until then I don’t want to write anymore about it. But I did decide, after pondering about it all morning, that at least I should tell you that things are less than good for the time being, and I can’t tell when they will be better. Since it is supposed to be the purpose of this blog. And because it’s fuckin’ annoying with only posts about how happy I am, right?