Walking Dead

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I’m watching the walking dead. The series. Just finished season 4. That show is truly great in my opinion!

But also – I feel like the walking dead right now. My mind is blank, everything is just numb, and I’m single again. I sit in my room and I watch the walking dead, so I don’t have to think too much about my reality. I’m wondering why matters of the heart have to be so hard, so painful, so impossible for me to get down.

It’s tiresome. I’m tired. Having to get over yet another heart break, having to get another person out of your system, have to stop longing for them, loving them… Having to pick yourself up and move on – and then put yourself out there all over again. Hoping that when you after a while find this new person, it will be different. That that one is the one that will stick. I’m 30 years old. Soon 31. I’m sick of this now. I’m sick of the search. I’m sick of losing someone when you thought you didn’t have to search anymore. When you thought that you’d be done.

All of the sudden I can only see an empty void that before was an exiting and promising future. Now it’s empty again, full of question marks and fog. I know it’s okay not to have a clear sense of your future right in this moment. I know that. But I hate that I’ve just like that lost it. I know that right now I’m allowed to just get through the day and that’s okay. Get up, have a shower, get some nutrients and water in you so you don’t keel over completely, and to grieve… And I’m trying to be kind to myself. Just like he told me when I cried in his arms, hugging him goodbye. So I’m watching the walking dead.

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