Break me

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I’ve been thinking a lot. How to go about things that have been handed to me. My reality. And I’m not really sure what to do, or what I am doing. I don’t think I’m in denial, I just… I’ve taken all my emotions and put them into a box and shoved it away, and filed it “DO NOT OPEN EVER.”

Numbing.

Conceal it, don’t feel it.

But, as Brené Browns research shows, you can’t selectively numb emotions. When you numb pain, grief, regret, shame – you also numb joy, creativity, love and happiness. I’m willing to pay the price it seems.

I’ve been thinking about how I’ve gone about heart-break before. Some bad habits have gone away, yes. But now I’m also wondering whether some other habits really are as good as I thought? I’ve never called my ex-boyfriends crying, asking them to take me back, wanting closure or explanations or “to talk”. So much so that my long time boyfriend when we broke up was a bit hurt by how I turned my back against him. I reasoned that I will not be begging, I will not show that person exactly how painful it is, if you want me gone I will oblige, I’m not someone who doesn’t know when she’s not wanted, I can take a hike if asked to. And I lived that down to “perfection”. To proud to show those emotions to the former boyfriend. But to what end? Why not unleash some of those feelings on the person causing them? With no other purpose then to just get somethings off your chest. Is it really weakness to just admit to hurt, pain and longing? Those emotions are there regardless who sees them.

So I did it. I sent off a text to him.

“I really miss you.”

That’s it. And it felt good to express it. I knew it wouldn’t change anything. I knew that he probably already knows anyway. But now I have said it to him, and it felt good, in some way putting a little bit of that on him, so I’m not carrying it all around by myself.  And it doesn’t take up as much space in my head right now, which is good. Maybe if I say more things – they will just be less charged, less prominent? I’ll continue to think about it…

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