(pic of my home town castle)
One thing I haven’t come to terms with – is home. I must say that I the last year or so have resolved many things in my life. Got on a what I believe is a long-awaited good track with so many things – both external as internal. Great!
But I can’t for the life of me get my head around going home. The mere thought of it just… freaks me out! For one I have nothing back home (in my opinion): no work, no apartment, sold plenty of my stuff, a social life that would rightfully be dying a slow death right now… Of course I have my friends left, yes, they didn’t just ditch me straight away. They are good in that way. Glad I found them. And sure I have my beloved family there too…
I think I’m scared. It’s so blocked – the notion of going home – that it’s hard for me to get to the actual root of the problem. My entire being just clams up and heads over to “Freak out Land” and will not have a mature discussion about it at all. I try to tell myself that there are many benefits of returning home. Furthermore that I might wanna stroll over to “Deal with it Land” since I might actually not have a choice in the matter. My visa expires in January. Not that that’s like tomorrow, but I need to start preparing for what to do in January. I have given myself the time of my course not to plan anything for the future. Problem is – my course ends in three weeks. (Oh the horror for so many reasons.) I can’t postpone this for all eternity.
I think I have so many bad memories of so many things in Sweden, and that is why I’m afraid. Now, I’m not claiming that I’ve gone through some like actual trauma. Far from it. But I think I might be scared that if I go back to Sweden the life I had will return. Not being able to handle the darkness, the winter, the cold yet again, I will go back into my shell again. Feeling very much alone for so many reasons, but quite incapable to change the status quo. I didn’t like that person or that life. Well, I’ll continue to ponder this I reckon and get back to it.