You are on your own

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One thing that’s happened after I’ve become a PT – is that random people seem to think that I’m passionately interested in everyone’s health and training. Don’t get me wrong, I like to talk training – a lot. But preferably with people who actually train themselves in some form. We can talk reps and weight and sequence and post-recovery meals until the raptures. Let’s do it. But, I might not be to interested in why you haven’t trained this week. Or that someone you know has trained 6 times this week. Or about your friends weight loss. Or why you still haven’t trained. And why you haven’t trained at all this month come to think of it… and so on. If you are not my client, I’m not going to be at all interested in your excuses not to train. Those are your decisions. Own them. My approval or disapproval or whatever you are seeking doesn’t matter at all. You are an adult – train, don’t train, it really is up to you. Why you need to tell me, I don’t understand. I’m not some kind of supreme training controlling government agency that makes sure that if you haven’t trained – you have a really good excuse. I usually just smile and say “aha aha, ok, you don’t say” and leave it at that. Here is the thing though – I can’t help you. If that’s what you are seeking? Some magical words that’s going to make it ok, or that’s going to make you wanna train? There are no short cuts. That would be the biggest fitness myth of all time. You and you alone need to get your ass off the sofa. I’m not going to be there after you come home from work and drag you to the gym, or roll you out of bed 45 minutes earlier in the morning. You need to find the motivation to do it by yourself. I can’t make you. I can’t make my clients do it either. It all starts with you. You are an adult, own your own decisions.

Planning to eat

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Oh dear I’m tired. Like someone just pressed an off button. Think I need some rest, going to try to take it easy tomorrow. Cut down on training today too.  And it’s not always easy trying to rectify 8 years of sitting at Uni and at work. You can almost single-handedly point some of my issues down to all the damn sitting. If you sit all day – it really doesn’t matter if you do 1 H at the gym, tree times a week. That will not counter act that. My back muscles are basically fucked up, and hamstrings, and hips and quads, and gluteus. Nothings is working the way it’s supposed to. But I’ll just have to be patient. Fixing 8 years of not moving will not be done in a few months. Muscles needs to be unclenched, released and learn how they are supposed to work, and how to work together. It’s a process, but I do see progress already. Going on regular massages really helps with that too. And having my own PT, targeting my weak muscles, cueing my posture and looking after me, is really good too.

But another thing is that since I’m not used to be so active, and moving so much – I’m also not used to the amount of food I need to eat. When you work in an office, you can afford not to eat a proper lunch. You’ll get a bit hungry maybe, but that’s probably it. Now it’s a completely different ball-game. I just stop functioning – in a bad way. I’ve passed out! A whole other level of depletion hits, and you can feel in your body what it needs. Carbs, mostly. But it takes planning to avoid you from not getting to depletion status, and I’m not really used to have to be so on-top with my food. I’m not used to have to eat such an amount of food either. And sometimes I fail. And I need to listen to my bodies signals and adjust my activity level if that happens. So today, even though I spend the entire afternoon eating, I didn’t join in and exercise. And now I’m going to finish today off with some more eating!

End is near

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Next week it’s wrap day at school. We have one last thing, and then we get all our certifications and stuff. And then we are unleashed upon society. I’ve postponed all decisions about “what to do with my life” until after the course. You know, because I’d scheduled my epiphany at that time. Great, coz that is how epiphanies work.

Until our wrap day we really don’t have anything else that needs to be done in school. I’ve submitted all my assignments and they went flying through. Interestingly enough. So I’ve been left with like all this spare time all of a sudden after 3 months of “when the HELL am I supposed to be able to shower?”

Did the freak out arrive as expected? Yes, of course. I don’t bloody hell know what to do now! As in not a single freakin’ clue! I’m going to do my very best to get a job and some kind of income. Really gotta focus on that, and that will provide a wee bit of a distraction for now. But I can’t deny and hide from the fact that my visa is coming to an end, in about 4 months. It’s creeping ever so slowly closer. And I can’t make up my mind about things. Argh!

Living life like this, they way I have been going about things for the last 1-2 years or whatever… Can be considered, I suppose, bit exciting and stuff. And for sure it is, it rarely get’s boring, that’s obvious. But the down-side is that the extreme lack of stability and certainty does do your head in from time to time. I don’t even know what side of the world I’ll end up in in 4 months. Not a clue. And money is running low, and… blah!

Hopefully I’ll figure something out. Soon. Would be good if that freakin’ epiphany showed up about now, thank you very much!

Stupidity

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I like it when I freak out – and I don’t even realize I do it. Favorite moment, really.

Just happened to put on one of Brené Browns TED talks. Coz, you know, it’s been a while and EVERY SINGLE TIME I do it, I get an epiphany. I’ve listen to them over and over and over. But every time I listen to them I get a new realization about a situation in my daily life. It’s fascinating! Today I almost started laughing at myself. “Of course you stupid! You are freaking out, having a stomach ache and being all kinds of silliness – because you are feeling vulnerable and you HATE it. As from yesterday you now feel vulnerable when before you were guarded enough to still be chillin’ in your comfort zone.”

But for some reason, yesterday, I got kicked out of it – and I freaked. I can’t exactly pin-point the second it happened, but the over-all day yesterday was probably what made it happen. You see… (and I can’t freakin’ believe I’m even writing this) there is this guy. Let’s leave it there. Now. I know very, very little about him really. I know enough to be attracted to the person he his – but not having a freakin’ clue weather or not he is even single is driving me mental. And I literarily have no chance of asking either. It’s actually highly inappropriate if I did. We have been having a bit fun with it – me and my friends. It’s a handsome man (in many aspects), and me and my friends have just been acting silly. Like girls do sometimes. Then yesterday – flip – and I went “Nooo! I don’t actually wanna actually LIKE him! NO! It’s going to end in utter disaster, heartbreak and disappointment. Stop immediately! Please!”

Breathe. Then a bit of Brené. Haha – yeah that’s right. Maybe liking him for real – is making me feel extremely vulnerable. And scared. And vulnerable again. And sick to my stomach to that. So I just kept listening to Brené and kept breathing. And slowly I shifted back. It’s a handsome, intelligent man. Even for a small, fleeting window in my life to have met him is actually beautiful. Always embrace the beautiful souls around you, that give you this good solid energy. In whatever form they come in. And I will handle his fleeting exit if that happens. And just having to have been around him only this briefly is great – and why stress, worry and feel bad about that it might end? When you instead can be glad it’s happened in the first place?

Is it really that easy though, you might think? Well, yes it is. And when it becomes easy, that’s when you can start appreciate the beauty of it.

 

Cancellation policy

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Me vs You. Let’s battle it out. The challenge is consistency.

I mark many work-outs throughout the space of say 3 months. You don’t. You are highly inconsistent most likely. Some weeks you do real good, others are a big failure. Most, come to think of it, don’t turn out the way you’d hoped. But you know – life! Things get in the way. Actually! Work, and kids, and sleep, and being absolutely spent, and wine, and friends, and sunshine, and coffee, and sleep. Yes, we can argue that I have no life, but that might be a different discussion. We can use one of the members at they gym if that is better. She is at the gym more or less everyday. She’s got a 4 kids, working and got a husband in the military that goes out for field for weeks on end. She is going to compete in a fitness competition and is putting in hard work at the gym.

What would the single most important difference be? We don’t let things get in the way for our work-outs. We consider them important meetings booked in with our bodies. We will make them priorities in life. Yes, we can meet and have a glass of wine – after the workout. Yes we might have a doctor’s appointment for 30 minutes in the afternoon… but that doesn’t mean we don’t do anything else that day. We will just go to the gym afterwards. But, you might not actually have the time, it’s just too much to do and you haven’t eaten properly. There are days when I run around like a crazy person too, and can’t for the life of me understand when I’m supposed to have time to shower (yes, truth). But those days are the exception and we always make sure we have food enough so we can work-out. You should see the stack of luggage in the joint PT-office because we are dragging around food for half an army, extra exercising clothes, towels, shower-things, different kind of shoes, containers of protein powder… And so on. Might not be really necessary for a normal person to spend every night packing for 30 minutes, but throw in an extra banana or 2 so you are good to go. Stop using excuses. You have decided to work out three times this week. Unless you’re sick those appointments stand and you can’t cancel. You don’t seem to be in a hurry to cancel any other appointments, so why these? They are important and should be something top high on your list of priorities. Why are you – and your health – not the most important thing in your life? Why aren’t you worthy of that time to maintain/gain health? Take a moment or two to contemplate that.

PS. You are worthy.

Home sweet home?

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(pic of my home town castle)

One thing I haven’t come to terms with – is home. I must say that I the last year or so have resolved many things in my life. Got on a what I believe is a long-awaited good track with so many things – both external as internal. Great!

But I can’t for the life of me get my head around going home. The mere thought of it just… freaks me out! For one I have nothing back home (in my opinion): no work, no apartment, sold plenty of my stuff, a social life that would rightfully be dying a slow death right now… Of course I have my friends left, yes, they didn’t just ditch me straight away. They are good in that way. Glad I found them. And sure I have my beloved family there too…

I think I’m scared. It’s so blocked – the notion of going home – that it’s hard for me to get to the actual root of the problem. My entire being just clams up and heads over to “Freak out Land” and will not have a mature discussion about it at all. I try to tell myself that there are many benefits of returning home. Furthermore that I might wanna stroll over to “Deal with it Land” since I might actually not have a choice in the matter. My visa expires in January. Not that that’s like tomorrow, but I need to start preparing for what to do in January. I have given myself the time of my course not to plan anything for the future. Problem is – my course ends in three weeks. (Oh the horror for so many reasons.) I can’t postpone this for all eternity.

I think I have so many bad memories of so many things in Sweden, and that is why I’m afraid. Now, I’m not claiming that I’ve gone through some like actual trauma. Far from it. But I think I might be scared that if I go back to Sweden the life I had will return. Not being able to handle the darkness, the winter, the cold yet again, I will go back into my shell again. Feeling very much alone for so many reasons, but quite incapable to change the status quo. I didn’t like that person or that life. Well, I’ll continue to ponder this I reckon and get back to it.

A sparkling introvert

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I don’t understand why I have to regularly make a fool out of myself. I don’t intend to. I have no plans to draw attention to myself at all. Quite the opposite! I’m actually not too comfortable being centre of attention. But at school I just endlessly just… keep on messing things up in interesting ways. I offer other people plenty of laughs and I really can’t do much else myself. Like when I mistook the gentlemen’s toilet for the girls. I didn’t notice at all that I was in the wrong place until a guy walked in… I drop things very loudly, I manage to say some weird stuff, like quotes from tv-series or movies no one else have watched and hence they don’t get it at all. I have almost now changed the name of one of our assignments due to the number of times I’ve misspoke about the name. And the list goes on and on. The later in the day the less sense I make. Even to myself. My head goes to another parallel universe where very weird things take place.

Apparently I’m a text-book “I” in personality analysis. Meaning very outgoing, creative, optimistic person who likes to goof around and stuff. I go like “I’m very serious and a perfections and… and… an introvert!” And I used to inbody this, suppressing my inner “I”. Nobody believes me. They believe me even less due to all my colored pens, how I’ve decorated my supplement-box with glitter and rhinestones. Every day I make a promise to shut the fuck up, to behave properly. Because I just get tired of myself. Because I have to apologize or save face or explain myself quite regularly. I have to put my inner gremlins away and make a decision to not take myself to seriously and laugh at myself, not get frustrated. This requires some energy and work from my part. Which I don’t think people realize. And every day I tend to fail and get caught dancing in the hall way by one of the teachers. I guess… I should start getting used to it. And embrace more of a “damage control” in life, rather then just control. 🙂