What’s this life

Sometimes life really needs to slow down! Haha!

Things are always changing. I’m going back to Sweden. I have officially handed in my notice to the gym, and I’m applying for jobs in Sweden. I’m actually looking forward to going back. It feels strange and fun and exciting. Another, new chapter! I’ve got some plans about what to do, new studies to complement my PT-studies. And I’m excited. I think I might return to Australia, but don’t know when. Saving some money is key at the moment. Then regroup and move forward. While working, saving money, it might just be what I need to find the path forward.

Life is strangely good at the moment, despite everything that’s changing.

Home sweet home?

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(pic of my home town castle)

One thing I haven’t come to terms with – is home. I must say that I the last year or so have resolved many things in my life. Got on a what I believe is a long-awaited good track with so many things – both external as internal. Great!

But I can’t for the life of me get my head around going home. The mere thought of it just… freaks me out! For one I have nothing back home (in my opinion): no work, no apartment, sold plenty of my stuff, a social life that would rightfully be dying a slow death right now… Of course I have my friends left, yes, they didn’t just ditch me straight away. They are good in that way. Glad I found them. And sure I have my beloved family there too…

I think I’m scared. It’s so blocked – the notion of going home – that it’s hard for me to get to the actual root of the problem. My entire being just clams up and heads over to “Freak out Land” and will not have a mature discussion about it at all. I try to tell myself that there are many benefits of returning home. Furthermore that I might wanna stroll over to “Deal with it Land” since I might actually not have a choice in the matter. My visa expires in January. Not that that’s like tomorrow, but I need to start preparing for what to do in January. I have given myself the time of my course not to plan anything for the future. Problem is – my course ends in three weeks. (Oh the horror for so many reasons.) I can’t postpone this for all eternity.

I think I have so many bad memories of so many things in Sweden, and that is why I’m afraid. Now, I’m not claiming that I’ve gone through some like actual trauma. Far from it. But I think I might be scared that if I go back to Sweden the life I had will return. Not being able to handle the darkness, the winter, the cold yet again, I will go back into my shell again. Feeling very much alone for so many reasons, but quite incapable to change the status quo. I didn’t like that person or that life. Well, I’ll continue to ponder this I reckon and get back to it.

The reformed globetrotter

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I realized that I have sort of missed an anniversary. But not thinking about it – and hence missing it – might be a good sign! So what is it?

Well, I realized that I haven’t travelled for six months! You go: What, but you are in Australia? And, why is that such a good thing?

Explanation: I have stayed in one place, Adelaide, for six months. Me and the BF have gone camping twice, but other than that… not really moved my ass out of town. It was years ago that happened. And if it did happen, it drove me mad. I would just get on a bus or a train somewhere so I at least was in motion, if I couldn’t take the plane to a different country. I was relentlessly, almost manic, planning my next trip, booking, finding travel companions, but if not I’d just go alone. I literally couldn’t stand being home in Sweden, especially not during the winter. I would be craving traveling, restlessly and achy, like a drug addict searching for the next fix. I’d stress out about anything that could be considered as me rooting myself in Sweden: first hand contracts on apartments, permanent job positions. I would not be able to decorate my apartment because… what if I wanted to leave in a weeks time? Stupid to spend money on living in an apartment that you kind of wanted to leave. And no matter how hard I looked, I just couldn’t find a place that was home.

I got restless in Nigeria, looked forward to going back to Sweden, was pleased about being there for about 3 weeks, then the panic set in again. Then I went to Ethiopia and liked the adventure and the that it was something new for about 2 months. Then started to hate it passionately. At that point I got very frustrated with myself. What more could I ask for? I was traveling, packing/unpacking, all the fucking time! Back home to Sweden, stressed out, down to Australia. Only started to calm down just a little once I quit my job. I didn’t have to go home anymore, I wouldn’t be in breach of my employment contract. So I stayed on a bit longer, until my visa forced me to go home to Sweden. Almost getting an anxiety attack when being dropped at Stockholm’s Airport early December, where the sun sets around 2 o’clock in the afternoon…

But now, I have been happily hanging out in the same place for six months. Not even reflecting about it. Don’t get me wrong, it would be fun to travel somewhere, but I don’t have to travel to keep my sanity. It’s pretty good just staying here too. I’m content in a way I haven’t been for years and years. Kind of found home – and myself. Finally.